WIECHERT SCORES THRICE IN FOURTH WORLD MUD CUP
Stony Kornblower
CIW News Sports Reporter

Uwe "Red Shorts" Wiechert showed why he is the captain of the GL Pistons on June 19, 1998 when he scored three goals against the DTM Dynamos in the Fourth World Mup Cup soccer match. GL is believed to have won the game by the final score of 3 to 1, by the best estimate of the referees, and now retakes the overall lead in the series, with 2 wins and 1 tie to DTM's 1 win and 1 tie.

The pre-game excitement was palpable in the Lunch Club on this day, as members of the DTM and GL teams crowded inside to partake of DTM player Harri Vanhala's famed Finnish Taco Salad. Vanhala had carefully separated the Taco Salad into two seemingly identical portions, and secretly warned the DTM players to take their food only from the left-hand-side bowl, leaving many of the GL players to unknowingly eat from the right-hand-side bowl, which had been doctored with about $500 worth of crushed Viagra tablets. With the game scheduled to start about one hour later, the hope was that many GL Pistons would decide to skip the match, resulting in a DTM win by forfeit, but the gambit backfired as the devoted GL soccer fanatics not only all showed up for the game, but played uncommonly aggressively.

Alan Linde and David "George David" George refereed the game on the field, the latter with the off-field assistance of Georg Bartels, who is familiar with Austrian-rules soccer. World Mud Cup soccer has always been played under Australian-rules, and when the call went out for another referee to assist the oft-harried Linde, Bartels was the natural choice. The referees were kept busy trying to keep the GL Pistons in check; numerous calls of offsides had little effect on GL's overwhelming desire to push forward. Numerous binary collisions occurred, and colorful French phrases flowed without need of translation.

DTM's sole goal came in the first half when Andy "Frisbee" Freed, a recent hire from the Tucson club, kicked one past GL goalkeeper John Straub. Gotthard Saghi-Szabo tended GL's goal for the second half, and easily stopped DTM's several attempts to even up the score. DTM cycled four players through the goalkeeper position, but was unable to produce the person with twenty-foot-long arms that would have been necessary to stop Wiechert from scoring. Mercifully, Wiechert left the field after scoring his third goal in order to sign autographs for the adoring crowd as well as the back of the bonus check handed to him by John Straub.

DTM's David "James David" James and Kristin James made World Mud Cup history as the first father-daughter combination to play together in this major sporting event. History was similarly made by the mother-son combination of Head DTM Cheerleader Jan Dunlap and DTM player Matt Dunlap. The presence of a number of younger players on both teams resulted in a fast-paced game necessitating frequent substitutions, in spite of the moderate temperatures and overcast skies. Overheated senior staff members lumbered to the sidelines while young whippersnappers ran back into the fray. Youngsters Xavier "Yellow Shorts" Noblin of GL and Cappy "Caprice" Gray of DTM had particularly good days.

Miami U.'s Dave "Sasquatch" Kuentz, star of the first World Mud Cup, returned to play on the DTM team, thanks to a covert operation directed against Miami U. coach Bill Hart. Hart was lured to this area by a Brazilian operative and enslaved in a government building near Ballston Commons in Virginia. Hart is expected to be released from the NSF's Special Detention Unit after he has paid his debt to society. In the meantime, Kuentz was free to play for DTM, though his field position as assistant goalkeeper severely impeded his ability to score goals for DTM.

This may be the last World Mud Cup for retiring DTM coach Suzan van der Lee, who has been instrumental in organizing the semi-annual event. Van der Lee's successor is Harri Vanhala, who is looking forward to DTM thrashing the Pistons the next time, and who has already volunteered to cook on the day of the next match, vowing to perfect his secret recipe. Several Lunch Clubbers have requested that Vanhala's Taco Salad be made a daily entree.

In a ceremony immediately following GL's triumph, Wiechert graciously accepted the now-traditional Mud Cup Silver Trophy on behalf of the GL Pistons. After being inscribed with GL's name in washable ink, the Mud Cup Silver Trophy, a symbol of athletic prowess known throughout the civilized world, will be proudly displayed in the GL Trophy Cabinet, in the hall outside John Straub's office, along with the TIAA/CREF and Walt Disney World pamphlets. Should DTM ever win back the Mud Cup Silver Trophy, Head DTM Cheerleader Jan Dunlap intends to display the Trophy in the glass case containing DTM's model of the good ship Carnegie, for all to admire.

The game finished in time for Wiechert and the many ringers on the GL team to catch the late afternoon redeye flights out of Dulles to France, where they are scheduled to play in World Cup matches tomorrow.

CIW--Football