UNIVERSAL HARMONY RESTORED IN THIRD WORLD MUD CUP

Stony Kornblower
CIW News Sports Reporter

Powered by the strength of their reserve bench, the plucky DTM Dynamos overcame the once-feared GL Pistons in the Third World Mud Cup, winning by the lopsided score of 1 to 0. The win ties the sibling soccer rivals in the World Mud Cup series, with each team now having a record of one win, one loss, and one tie.

The oneness of it all restores a badly needed balance to the Broad Branch Road campus, where the longstanding bipartisan spirit of mutual cooperation was trampled by GL's triumph at the Second Mud Cup, putting the cocky GL Pistons temporarily ahead in the series. Tensions had risen to the point that campus peacemakers were considering suspending the daily Lunch Club, for fear that a food fight might break out. A massive loss of appetites was predicted if a food fight should occur on Hot Dog Day. With today's outcome, peace is expected to return to the volatile BBR campus, and plans are already afoot to paint over the green stripe on the floor of the Research Building between the DTM and GL enclaves. Let the healing begin.

The one goal of the game was scored by DTM's Bryan ``Dutch'' Miller midway through the second half. GL tried strenuously thereafter to even the score, but their efforts seemed to be thwarted by unknown Divine Powers, as several GL shots bounced harmlessly off the goal posts, which seemed to contract mysteriously together whenever a GL kick was in the air. GL players lodged a formal protest after the game, claiming that the goal posts had been replaced with spare DTM strainmeters, which were then hydraulically manipulated by unidentified members of the DTM Strain Gang during critical moments of the game. DTM's immediate, official response was to point out that any visible contraction or expansion of the goal posts must have been caused by ultra-low frequency seismic waves. Referee Alan Linde ruled in favor of the latter interpretation.

Georg Rümpker played a strong defensive role for DTM, saving DTM's honor many times with last moment kicks that halted GL drives. Rümpker was often the only line of defense between the menacing GL onslaught and DTM goalkeeper Pat McGovern.

After learning about the thrashing his department endured in the Second World Mud Cup, DTM Director Sean Solomon joined the DTM squad, intent upon shoring up DTM's offense and insisting upon taking no prisoners. Besides Solomon, DTM's team included star players from allied institutions, Science's Linda Rowan, Smithsonian's Sara Russell, and Arizona's Andy Freed. With this depth of talent, DTM was able to keep the pressure on by swapping in fresh players. In the war of attrition that is World Mud Cup soccer, the reserves often decide the outcome.

Several GL players made valiant efforts for their lost cause, notably Wei Li, Uwe ``Red Shorts'' Wiechert, and Henry Fricke, a newcomer from the Chicago club. The Pistons were punished by the loss of stars Tahar Hammouda and Dan Frost, both foolishly traded away for early round picks in the 1998 postdoctoral draft. Gotthard Saghi-Szabo and John Straub-Straub shared the goalkeeper duties for GL. Saghi-Szabo's position as GL's resident Computer Wizard is believed to have discouraged any DTM scores during the first half, because of his open threat to publicize the nature of the most embarrassing World Wide Web pages visited by any DTM player with the temerity to score on him.

GL's Wiechert commented after the game that the match was actually much closer than the lopsided score of 1 to 0 would indicate. However, Selwyn Sacks, head of the DTM Strain Gang's secretive Special Tactics Squad, pointed out that in terms of the ratio of their scores, DTM did infinitely better than GL. In the sincere opinion of this totally unbiased, completely neutral, Professional Sports Reporter, it is clear that Sacks' application of L'Hôpital's Rule is right on the mark, without even taking the derivative.

This was Sacks' first attendance at a World Mud Cup match, and it is entirely by chance that his presence coincided with DTM's first win. Some paranoid GL players questioned Sacks' wearing of sinister-looking black sunglasses during the game, heatedly claiming that he was the one who was orchestrating the alleged goalpost contractions, but Sacks' recent choice of eyewear is more simply explained by his infatuation with the popular movie Men in Black.

DTM Coach Suzan van der Lee took time out from her team's Grand Victory Lap after the game to express concern about the imminent loss of Miller. Miller became a Free Agent this year, and accepted an offer he could not turn down from the Leiden University team. Mud Cup soccer is widely followed in the Netherlands, and getting a player of Miller's caliber is quite a coup for Leiden U. Miller has been seen practicing his moves in the wooden shoes that are required for play on the perennially soggy Dutch soccer fields. Following close upon the loss of DTM stalwart Dave ``Sasquatch'' Kuentz to Miami U, Miller's defection suggests that the subsidy for postdoctoral cooks at the Lunch Club should be surreptiously raised for key DTM players from the current single digit pittance to a more enticing level, just short of the amount that would trigger an NCAA investigation.

CIW--Football